My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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