College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
