please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
