I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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