I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
cat food counts as protein by the way
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
