Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
