I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
