areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
