I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
