just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
