I hate your face
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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