I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
