STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i think my tv is drunk
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
