The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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