i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
