omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
