You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
