so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
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If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
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YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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