I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
