i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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