I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
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Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
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Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize