i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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