I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
