u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
