I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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