Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
