i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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