but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
