haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
