Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
