Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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