My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
