so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
