he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I can't turn off my feet"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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