last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
