whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
