Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
