I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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