You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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