Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
