dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
