During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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