in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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