Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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