Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
