Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
