I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
