Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
