i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
where are you?
Hypothermia
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
