Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
