I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
