I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
