i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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