There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
