I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
