You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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