Soap is not a condiment
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
