All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
