I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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