Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
