Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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