Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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