Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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